Tag Archives: managing expectations

No More People Pleasing & Holiday Have-Tos

nov27_2016

Point to Ponder:
Do you struggle with people pleasing?

iGnite Neissa

by Neissa Brown Springmann

I’d like to think that I am a recovering people-pleaser, meaning that I no longer run in circles striving to make everyone happy, however that’s unfortunately not the case. For as long as I can remember, I have worked to please people, but with maturity, awareness and coaching I have definitely made improvements. With that being said, today, when my step-mom began asking me questions about our visit to Texas for Christmas and when and where we planned to spend our time, I felt my breath shorten and my shoulders draw up and into my shoulders. I immediately deflected the question.

Though my parents have been divorced since I was in the second grade, everyone gets along wonderfully and our family does not put any pressure on me, I really struggle with our visits to Texas and the holidays in general because I so desperately want to see and please everyone. The idea of not equally splitting time between family and friends is a definite source of unnecessary stress.

Ironically and thankfully, today I stumbled upon a much needed and excellent article from Darling Magazine titled, “I’m Good with Whatever: The High Price of People Pleasing.” And, with the arrival of the holiday season and everyone being pulled in a myriad of directions, along with feeling confident that I am not alone in the people pleasing category, I too hope this article will inspire and encourage you to let go of the have-tos during the holidays (and beyond) and create the space for the things that bring YOU the most joy.

I’m good with whatever. This phrase has been a mantra for the majority of my life. When I am at my best, I can be adaptable, spontaneous, and free-spirited. At my worst, I am a relentless people pleaser.

In my work as a counselor, few clients come to me with the primary goal of working on their people pleasing. And yet, I see its fingerprints on the lives of nearly every woman I work with. On the surface, it often presents itself as a fog of emotional fatigue resulting from the constant work of balancing the needs, wants, and expectations of others. It fuels many struggles with depression and anxiety. It colors relationships with underlying bitterness and resentment.

At its core, people pleasing is rooted in fear. We worry about how our choices might impact or inconvenience others. Instead of asking the people in our lives for what we need and desire, we say no for them. We find ourselves settling for a role as a background character in others’ stories because we’re scared — often for good reason — to show up in our own.

My people pleasing journey began early. Like many young children of divorce, I entered elementary school with an extra dose of insecurity. To top it off, I was a super sensitive kid who did not cope well with even the mildest disapproval or casual mistake. Classrooms and playgrounds provided the perfect environment for me to hone the skill of perception management to avoid that stinging shame.

Today, my husband has most often been the recipient of my people pleasing efforts — which has only intensified since becoming parents. He works hard, is a wonderful, attentive father to our two little boys, and carries a big chunk of the household duties which keep our world functional. When he checks in with me about doing things during a morning, evening, or weekend — going for a run, meeting up with some guy friends, getting some extra work done — I almost always say yes. No problem. I’m good with whatever.

Throughout the decade we’ve been married, I’ve begun to notice a pattern. It most often begins with feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the “Have-Tos” of life. I then respond by checking out emotionally when it all just feels like too much. This typically follows with passive-aggressive behavior, complaining, and — every once in a while —rounds out with a nice, tear-filled breakdown in which I spew blame upon my poor husband.

We recently had a conversation in which I bemoaned the lack of relational connection in my life. As I processed this, I found myself saying, I would have more time for friends in my life if YOU didn’t spend all of our free time running, working, and spending time with your friends. The second these words escaped my mouth, I knew just how wrong I was. It wasn’t his fault. I was bitter that he had the courage and the forethought to ask for what he needed and wanted and I didn’t.

What I discovered was this — my knee-jerk yeses and whatevers often become excuses to not take ownership of my own life. Managing the expectations and anticipating the needs of others is a full-time job that has robbed me of a full life and meaningful relationships. It’s too high a price to pay.

I also have learned that self-care isn’t enough. While I’m all for a good bubble bath and glass of wine, I think what we people pleasers need most is a supportive shove. We need people in our lives who will cheer us on as we commit ourselves to some of those things we always say we’d do if we had more time. We need to be held accountable to making space for those dreams that perpetually remain on the back burner. The fact that you are reading these words today is the result of a handful of people who have lovingly pushed me to take a risk.

The truth is, the people in our world will gain far more from our courage to live with authenticity and purpose than they would ever receive from our mere accommodation and fear of disappointing them.

It’s time to be done with someday. It’s time for the world to stop missing out on us. Let’s make some waves today.


Action Item:
Let go of the have-tos during the holiday season (and beyond) and create the space for the things that bring you the most joy.


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Keep It Simple

(The Wisdom Share, Continued)
Living in Community, Part III

keepitsimple

Point to Ponder:
Could you benefit from some life simplifying?

by Neissa Brown Springmann

by Neissa Brown Springmann

Spring Break was outstanding…well, minus the UT Men’s basketball team losing their first game in the NCAA tournament. This matters to me more than the average person because Russell, my husband, is an assistant coach for the program, so having mediocre seasons and losing is never great for job security. But, that’s when our faith consistently kicks in.

The kids and I could’ve made the trip to the tournament in Pittsburg, but I know my strengths, and schlepping a four-year-old and a 22-month-old on a plane, then to a basketball tournament in a city I’ve never been to (that’s cold) would have taken me down. At one point I thought I’d take Durant and Malaine to Sea World in San Antonio, but my sister advised watering down my plans and waiting until they are a little older so it would be more enjoyable for everyone. Then in class one day, iGnite member Tracy Picone gave me additional great wisdom: “Keep it simple. All your kids want is to spend time with you, and when Mom is happy, so are they.” What great advice!

So, we kept it real simple and because I didn’t have to worry about traffic (hurray), on Tuesday afternoon the kids and I went on a simple adventure to Cabela’s in Buda. We stayed for an hour — looking at the fish and all of the animals. We then stopped at a friend’s house on the way home and had dinner at Phil’s Ice House. It was a simple, yet a fun and full day.

Then, on Wednesday evening we drove to my mom’s in Waco and went to the Cameron Park Zoo on Thursday morning. Like a dummy, I didn’t bring a stroller or wagon, but we managed and thankfully had no meltdowns. Needless to say, after two and a half hours of walking, playing and animal sightings, we were all pooped, leading to a delicious afternoon nap. It too was a simple, yet fun day.

Finally, and because the basketball team lost, Russell got home early Friday morning and so the remainder of Spring Break was family time, which was so nice because time with him is something we don’t get a lot of during the season. This too was so simple, yet so rich.

Based on the great wisdom from my sister and Tracey Picone, the wisdom I’m passing along is this: Regardless of where we are in life, keep it simple. Bigger is not always better.

A few more pieces of inspiring life wisdom from our members and leaders:

“Pave your child for the road, don’t pave the road for your child”
-Barbara McTee, iGnite Member

“If it is to be, it’s up to me.” (basically, take responsibility for yourself and don’t blame others if you don’t reach your goals) – Tracy Picone, iGnite Member

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”
– Tracey Picone, iGnite Member

“___ years are going to come anyway.” (my father-in-law’s response when I would say something was going to take too long, like finishing school or getting the job I wanted)
– Tracy Picone

Alli“I love this simple yet powerful nugget from Charlotte Benson: ‘We are put on this earth to help each other, plain and simple.'”
-Alli

Amy

“The words of wisdom that I find to be truer and truer the longer I live are….
Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'”
-Amy

Catherine

There’s no point in having nice things if you don’t share them with others” (Mimi) This was my grandmother’s response to me being scared to drive her brand new fancy Lexus after she insisted I drive us around in it–I had just turned 16! It taught me to not value things for things’ sake, and remember that the real point of life is to share the things we’re blessed with. If I don’t plan on enjoying something WITH others, then what’s the point in having it?!
-Catherine

Cary

Advice from my mom: “not to worry” (in the vein of “no worries” — her sing-song words were, when something went amiss, “oh, not to worry!”)
-Cary

Jill

When you and your husband or significant other finally get the opportunity to go on a vacation together, reconnecting can sometimes be difficult. Something my husband and I have found helpful in having the fun we need to have together is going on adventures, such as zip lining, hiking, water rafting, etc. These adventures are built-in fun that we don’t have to create for ourselves.
-Jill

Kathleen ParkerVulnerability lost is intimacy gained” –Dave Sunde (at iGnite retreat last February). I grew up with a very proud father whose mantra is “Happiness is found through your accomplishments.” So, although we all looked good on the outside, not being able to share things led to some loneliness even growing up in a household of 8. How freeing it is to realize that I will not be judged when I show vulnerability! I love it! My relationships are much richer and my mind is at peace. Thank you Dave! Also, “If you focus on the mud on the windshield, you miss what is on the road ahead.” -Bill Swinney, my father.
-Kathleen

mollydaniels

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” My dad taught me this.
-Molly

Action Item:
Identify one small change you could make to simplify your week’s plans or responsibilities.

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