Tag Archives: joy

No More People Pleasing & Holiday Have-Tos

nov27_2016

Point to Ponder:
Do you struggle with people pleasing?

iGnite Neissa

by Neissa Brown Springmann

I’d like to think that I am a recovering people-pleaser, meaning that I no longer run in circles striving to make everyone happy, however that’s unfortunately not the case. For as long as I can remember, I have worked to please people, but with maturity, awareness and coaching I have definitely made improvements. With that being said, today, when my step-mom began asking me questions about our visit to Texas for Christmas and when and where we planned to spend our time, I felt my breath shorten and my shoulders draw up and into my shoulders. I immediately deflected the question.

Though my parents have been divorced since I was in the second grade, everyone gets along wonderfully and our family does not put any pressure on me, I really struggle with our visits to Texas and the holidays in general because I so desperately want to see and please everyone. The idea of not equally splitting time between family and friends is a definite source of unnecessary stress.

Ironically and thankfully, today I stumbled upon a much needed and excellent article from Darling Magazine titled, “I’m Good with Whatever: The High Price of People Pleasing.” And, with the arrival of the holiday season and everyone being pulled in a myriad of directions, along with feeling confident that I am not alone in the people pleasing category, I too hope this article will inspire and encourage you to let go of the have-tos during the holidays (and beyond) and create the space for the things that bring YOU the most joy.

I’m good with whatever. This phrase has been a mantra for the majority of my life. When I am at my best, I can be adaptable, spontaneous, and free-spirited. At my worst, I am a relentless people pleaser.

In my work as a counselor, few clients come to me with the primary goal of working on their people pleasing. And yet, I see its fingerprints on the lives of nearly every woman I work with. On the surface, it often presents itself as a fog of emotional fatigue resulting from the constant work of balancing the needs, wants, and expectations of others. It fuels many struggles with depression and anxiety. It colors relationships with underlying bitterness and resentment.

At its core, people pleasing is rooted in fear. We worry about how our choices might impact or inconvenience others. Instead of asking the people in our lives for what we need and desire, we say no for them. We find ourselves settling for a role as a background character in others’ stories because we’re scared — often for good reason — to show up in our own.

My people pleasing journey began early. Like many young children of divorce, I entered elementary school with an extra dose of insecurity. To top it off, I was a super sensitive kid who did not cope well with even the mildest disapproval or casual mistake. Classrooms and playgrounds provided the perfect environment for me to hone the skill of perception management to avoid that stinging shame.

Today, my husband has most often been the recipient of my people pleasing efforts — which has only intensified since becoming parents. He works hard, is a wonderful, attentive father to our two little boys, and carries a big chunk of the household duties which keep our world functional. When he checks in with me about doing things during a morning, evening, or weekend — going for a run, meeting up with some guy friends, getting some extra work done — I almost always say yes. No problem. I’m good with whatever.

Throughout the decade we’ve been married, I’ve begun to notice a pattern. It most often begins with feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the “Have-Tos” of life. I then respond by checking out emotionally when it all just feels like too much. This typically follows with passive-aggressive behavior, complaining, and — every once in a while —rounds out with a nice, tear-filled breakdown in which I spew blame upon my poor husband.

We recently had a conversation in which I bemoaned the lack of relational connection in my life. As I processed this, I found myself saying, I would have more time for friends in my life if YOU didn’t spend all of our free time running, working, and spending time with your friends. The second these words escaped my mouth, I knew just how wrong I was. It wasn’t his fault. I was bitter that he had the courage and the forethought to ask for what he needed and wanted and I didn’t.

What I discovered was this — my knee-jerk yeses and whatevers often become excuses to not take ownership of my own life. Managing the expectations and anticipating the needs of others is a full-time job that has robbed me of a full life and meaningful relationships. It’s too high a price to pay.

I also have learned that self-care isn’t enough. While I’m all for a good bubble bath and glass of wine, I think what we people pleasers need most is a supportive shove. We need people in our lives who will cheer us on as we commit ourselves to some of those things we always say we’d do if we had more time. We need to be held accountable to making space for those dreams that perpetually remain on the back burner. The fact that you are reading these words today is the result of a handful of people who have lovingly pushed me to take a risk.

The truth is, the people in our world will gain far more from our courage to live with authenticity and purpose than they would ever receive from our mere accommodation and fear of disappointing them.

It’s time to be done with someday. It’s time for the world to stop missing out on us. Let’s make some waves today.


Action Item:
Let go of the have-tos during the holiday season (and beyond) and create the space for the things that bring you the most joy.


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Believe in Miracles, Rejoice in Each Day & Have Fun!

Inspiration from the iGnite Archives: Originally published Feb 12, 2012

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Point to Ponder:
How are you choosing to live? Are you choosing to live a life filled with health, joy and purpose?

Anne Jarvis

by Anne Jarvis

When I was 17 and a junior in high school, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Over the next ten years she had two radical mastectomies and eventually died of bone cancer that had spread throughout her body. She was only 59 years old. She was exceptionally brave, a strong believer, fiercely loved by her family and friends and was joyful, even until the end. When I think of my mom’s tremendous bravery and characteristics, I always think of three things:

  1. Believe In Miracles. When she became ill this was the little sign          that sat near her bed.
  2. This is the day that the Lord hath made. Rejoice and be glad in it. She would greet each day with these words.
  3. Have fun. These were her final words. When she passed away, I was an emotional and physical wreck. I lost twenty pounds in a month, was having regular panic attacks, had to quit work and was suffering from situational depression.

Over the next year I had to heal from this place of sadness and one thing I did everyday was walk outdoors and repeat—“God will see you through.” But my biggest ‘A-ha moment’ was when a therapist I was seeing said, “Anne, what are you going to do if you never feel any better than this?” It was at that moment I was given the choice of how I wanted to live my life. I decided I wanted to reclaim a place of health, joy and purpose. I wanted a rich and full life filled with highs and lows. I wanted to live each day as if it could be my last.

I recognize that while life is filled with tremendous blessings, it is also filled with painful moments of loss and great sadness. For me, I have come to my own personal crossroads that has caused me to make choices on how I will continue to live my life. For example, I value my family and friends, my faith, my health, my community, and the freedom to be my authentic self. I want to live each day knowing that I have made a difference not just to myself, but to others. I want people to think of me as someone that didn’t take herself too seriously and found humor in life. I want to keep learning, have a sense of wonder, remain grateful for the life I have been given while also looking towards the future. I want every day to count and have no regrets.

A life with no regrets or living each day like it could be your last is definitely easier said than done. I’ve found that I must face my fears, take risks, believe in myself, take a deep breath and put that foot on the floor each new day. Just this week I have found myself full of fear about having to make the decision to take the Brac breast cancer gene test. I don’t want to find out if I carry the predisposition for breast cancer, but the results might save mine and my daughters’ lives. And, if I claim to value health, then I must do the hard work. Life’s hardships build character and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

This is why I love iGnite — as women we are on life’s journey together, helping each other, encouraging each other to live full and happy lives. We are growing physically, mentally and spiritually. We are there for each other in joy and sorrow. So, from the wisdom of a woman who joyfully lived as she was dying, I encourage you to: Believe in Miracles, Rejoice in Each Day, Have Fun.

Action Item:
Choose to live a purpose-filled life while believing in miracles, rejoicing each day and having fun!


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Operation Spread Hope, Love & Joy

makesomeoneslifebetter 2

Point to Ponder:
Where does spreading hope, love and joy fall into your Christmas festivities?

iGnite Neissa

by Neissa Brown Springmann

Each year and upon entering the Christmas season I always set out to be more intentional and purposeful than in the previous years. Inevitably, my goals are always the same: don’t overspend, stick to the Christmas list, avoid perfection, resist shopping for myself while I am shopping for others (how does that always happen?!), and most importantly to live outside of myself by giving and sharing the spirit and meaning of Christmas: to spread hope, love and joy.

I cringe to think how extra self-centered my holidays would be without my attempted annual goals. Frustratingly, I always spend more money that desired, I get caught up in materialism and commercialism, and I exhaust myself by trying to make everything perfect which in turn stresses me out! Shamefully, beyond my immediate family members, friends and neighbors there is very little thinking outside of myself, no extra sharing of love, hope and joy and therefore no additional lives impacted. Really, it’s nauseating that I live in this perpetual state of insanity (setting the same goal and taking no additional action yet expecting a different result), therefore to end this ridiculousness and attempt to really spread hope, love and joy and make a difference in at least one life during the Christmas season, I’ve come up with a plan of action entitled “Operation Spread Hope, Love and Joy”, and I hope you will join me!

The goal of Operation Spread Hope, Love and Joy is exactly as it sounds: to spread hope, love and joy by putting a smile on someone’s face, being a source of encouragement and light and continuing to express gratitude which will in turn positively impact lives.

Starting today and throughout the next four weeks leading up to Christmas I will announce the weekly action. For this week, the suggested action is to print the provided note card printable, cut out the individual notes and give to as many people as possible. If you are like me, you will experience some fear and hesitation when handing out the cards, especially to a total stranger. You may likely make an assumption that the potential recipient isn’t going through anything, doesn’t need a pick-me-up and/or will think you are weird. Repeat these words: Nonsense! Everyone is going through something, everyone can use a little light and iGnite in their lives and if spreading some hope, love and joy by means of positive note cards make us weird, I gladly welcome the label! After all, the worst thing that can happen is the card gets thrown in the trash, but what if it makes somebody else’s life better?

Finally, share how you are spreading your hope, love and joy note cards by posting pictures via your favoritie social media outlets, using the hashtag #spreadhopeloveandjoy and tagging iGnite. This is not at all to be braggadocious or draw attention to your or iGnite’s actions. Instead, it’s an opportunity to let social media do what I believe social media has the greatest potential in doing, which is to be a catalyst for uplifting messages, positive change and spreading good around the world.

Action Item:
Print the provided note card printable, cut out the individual notes and give to as many people as possible. If you are able, share how you are spreading your hope, love and joy note cards by posting pictures via your favorite social media outlets, using the hashtag #spreadhopeloveandjoy and tagging iGnite.

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Member Spotlight: Martha Lynn Mangum

Roots:
I grew up in Corpus Christi, Texas and moved to Austin in 1986 to attend UT. I’ve lived here since with the exception of a few years in Dallas.

Basic Family Stats:
I’m married to Greg Mangum. I have two kids, Jackson, who is a sophomore at Texas Tech, and Madelynn, who is a Junior at Westlake. I also have two step-sons, Mark (recently graduated from TCU–woohoo!) and Kyle who is at Blinn College Station.

Current/Previous Occupation:
I am a business coach, and I’ve been working with Momentum Consulting since 2003.

iGnite - Martha Lynn MangumBiggest lesson learned through iGnite experience:
The biggest lesson I’ve learned through my iGnite experience is that everyone has an amazing life story. iGnite has provided me with a great reminder to deepen and open up my perspectives and be curious.

Best advice given and from who:
The best advice I’ve been given and continue to work on daily is from my 20 year old son, Jackson. He is one of my best teachers and reminds me to LISTEN before I judge, respond or react.

I am looking forward to:
I am learning that all we have to do here on planet Earth is to love and be loved. I’m looking forward to practicing this everyday with all the challenges, ups and downs I encounter. So far, it’s a lot easier said than done, and I’m playing the game!

If I were a pair of shoes, I would be:
My fluffy UGG slippers! They are cozy, warm and comfy and bring me joy! (I am more of a barefoot gal though.)

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Embrace “The Juggle”

Inspiration from the iGnite Archives

iGnite - The Juggle

As the summer is coming to an end and the shift to back to school and more activity is happening, we are embracing The Juggle.  Our inspiration is from a blog post from a few years back. We encourage you to read it again and determine your priorities and goals, set some realistic expectations and practice patience in the moments when it’s not all going according to plan.

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Member Spotlight: Taylor Parsons

iGnite - Taylor ParsonsiGniter of 3 years

Roots:
I was born in Corpus Christi, moved to Austin at age 7, and went to elementary, middle and high school here. I moved back after graduate school in 2011.
Family Life:
I am married to Rob, who I met when I was 18, and we have a little girl, Zella Marie! She was born on April 3rd this year!
Work life:
I am a perfusionist. I operate the heart/lung bypass circuit during open heart surgeries for adults and pediatrics in Austin area hospitals.
Biggest lesson learned through my iGnite experience:
You are living the one life you are given by God, so make it great! Watching and listening to other iGnite members talk about their lives, their trials and triumphs, and their personal goals inspires me to be the best version of myself. Staying active, positive and involved in the lives of loved ones are just a few of the ways I see iGniters spreading joy daily!
Who inspires me most and why:
My mom, Barb McTee! She is the definition of a Godly, selfless, hard-working best friend. She is the first person to cry with me, laugh with me (or usually at me), hold me accountable if I am in the wrong, and talk for hours on end with me about nothing at all. She is the example of the mother and wife I look to when I need encouragement. Above all else, she always puts herself last.
Something people may not know about me:
I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do! I got it many years back and truthfully don’t remember many “moves”, but it is an accomplishment I am proud of!
If I were an ice cream flavor I would be:
Amy’s Ice Cream Mexican Vanilla with sprinkles and Reese’s in a waffle cone! Why? Mexican Vanilla sort of looks like me and my freckles (white with little dots), I love anything colorful (sprinkles), I can be sweet (Reese’s)—all wrapped up in a spunky tomboy shell (crunchy waffle cone)!

Our Good Mood Playlist

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What says spring & summer more than a fun, upbeat playlist to put you in a good mood and maybe even dancing around the house? We’ve put together a list of our favorite pick-me-up songs as of late — we hope they’ll brighten your day and get your toes tapping 🙂

  1. Fireball / Pitbull featuring John Ryan
  2. Honey, I’m Good / Andy Grammar
  3. See You Again / Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth
  4. My Type / Saint Motel
  5. Uptown Funk / Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
  6. Upgrade U / Beyoncé ft. Jay Z
  7. Can’t Touch it / Ricki Lee
  8. Reflections / MisterWives
  9. 1941 / Klaypex
  10. Sugar / Maroon 5
  11. Bright / Echosmith
  12. Angel in Blue Jeans / Train
  13. Ex’s and Oh’s / Elle King
  14. Somebody to Love / Justin Bieber ft. Usher
  15. Come Get it Bae / Pharrell Williams
  16. Want to Want Me / Jason Derulo
  17. Push It / Salt N Pepa
  18. Party in the USA / Miley Cyrus- Party in the USA
  19. Bust A Move / Young MC
  20. Fancy / Iggy Azelea ft. Charli XCX
  21. Roar / Katy Perry
  22. Wobble / V.I.C.
  23. Beautiful day / U2
  24. Shut Up and Dance / Walk the Moon
  25. Girl on Fire / Alicia Keys
  26. All About that Bass / Meghan Trainor

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