Just last night I watched a new and terrific show on OWN called “Iyanla….Fix My Life.” Iyanla Fanzant is an author and inspirational speaker and many years ago I read her book called Yesterday I Cried. It was a wonderful read and her relationship and life wisdom was extraordinary! As for her television show, it too was terrific and I learned some things I plan to use in my marriage and relationships. Iyanla advised that rather than avoid the issue and therefore avoid conflict, you must be honest and “call a thang a thang.” She suggested that too often we suppress and hide our feelings and emotions rather than lovingly getting them out in the open. So, moving forward my goal is to lovingly “call a thang a thang” so it can be dealt with and we can move on.

Below are 5 steps to effective, non-personal and non-emotional communication that will send us on our way to healthy relationships.        Here’s to investing in healthy relationships!  ~Neissa

…that if you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your spouse, friend, co-worker, family member, etc.

How can I apply this to my life?  Use the 5  steps below in order to communicate with emotional integrity…

1. Give or receive input- Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don’t have to say everything you’re thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you’re upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, “Yes.” It’s important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
2. Reflect content and feelings- After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You’ve got to say, “What I hear from you content-wise is…” Then, to make sure you understand what he/she is feeling, you can say something like, “The feeling I’m getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc.”
3. Accept feedback and respond– If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn’t hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
4. Stay in the moment– Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
5. Do not leave– Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

We think you will also enjoy reading: 

• http://idontknowwhattobelieve.com/2013/09/15/language-limited-and-beautiful/ “What is meant by saying language is a mediation and not a tool is this: language comes from within us, it is not something we have created. It is not a shovel that we invented because we needed a more efficient way to dig holes.”
• http://lechtenbergc.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/when-will-my-reflection-show/ “…If language is the reflection and evaluation of yourself, and people hear your language, then how you perceive yourself is and will be how others perceive you.”

Related iGnite posts: 

• Our post “Do You Love Yourself?” with this fab video about our perceptions of ourselves: https://blog.igniteyourlifenow.com/2013/04/18/do-you-love-yourself/